Emotions....

The emotions come and go and then SOMETIMES, they flood. My eyes well up and I can't but just stare at Anita and Maxwell's smiles. I can't but help miss kissing them and hugging them. I miss them so much. It can't be said any differently. There's just something missing and that something is the vibrant life of our children surrounding us close and near!

A little Note ...

We woke up this morning, tired from the dogs waking us up numerous times throughout the night. As we brushed our teeth, fixed our hair, and simply "got ready" for the day, Adam says "Just think, our days of sleeping in and waiting till last minute to get ready will soon be over when the kids get here." As much as this statement should scare me or one would be inclined to think "shoot, my comfortable life is over." We, in turn, smiled! Smiled because we look forward to Anita and Maxwell's presence in the house. I want to fix them breakfast, rush around to get them ready, debate on what outfit is going to work for the day ... we sincerely look forward to having them with us. Sure, we may not get to sleep in as much but we get to smile at two little faces from Ghana, DAY IN and DAY OUT!
A note to my kids:
"Anita and Maxwell, Mommy misses you so very much! I cannot explain the void in my heart since I left you in Ghana on June 22. So very often a tear falls without warning. Luckily I'm comforted in knowing our God has each of you in His hands. And we are all lucky to have your Daddy who is of constant support and love to each of us.
Anita, I miss your giggles, your silly little looks, watching you dance and comb your hair in front of the mirror. I miss hearing you sing to yourself as you twirl around and are simply content being in the same vicinity as Mommy and Daddy. I miss tucking you in to bed and watching you sleep so peacefully. Mommy misses her gorgeous little Anita.
Maxwell, Mommy misses your cute little pouts, your arm flaps as you say "no," your fascination with flushing the toilet and washing your hands in the sink. I miss your hugs, I miss watching you eat, and I miss seeing you smile as you have fun running around because you are genuinely just "that" happy. Mommy misses her handsome little man.
We are so excited to bring you home. Please know there are A LOT of people waiting to meet you and love you beyond what you could imagine. We continue to ask God to bless us and you as our journey as a family continues! I love you little ones! Love, Mommy."

Who Knew?!?!

Who knew the complete heart ache Adam and I would feel arriving home. Who knew the natural instinct to wake up and look for my children, get them ready, and to feed them breakfast. Who knew how quickly the tears would well up and fall just thinking of our beautiful Anita and handsome Maxwell! I can't express the aching. I can't express the sincere feeling of loss. There is void now, a void that cannot be expressed with words. I sit silently staring at their pictures, seeing their happy little smiles and yet, remembering so vividly their scared little faces as they drove away. Part of Adam and I just wants to get back on a plane and go back. The pain is so great, so deep, and there is not much to take it away. We have amazing friends and family, checking in on us, knowing full well how much hurt we are carrying. They can see it in our faces, they can see it as we talk about our children, they can see our tears fall.
Adam calls to check on me often. I simply just plug away at work, doing what I can to be distracted. It's only been 2 days. Ugh! He'll call and ask "How's my beautiful wife doing today?" I smile, knowing how much he loves me and how much he's hurting himself. He hugged me this morning as he asked if I was ok? He loooked at me in the face and said "I miss them too. We have pretty amazing children!" I'm blessed to have such a loving husband, such a loving father to our children, such a loving support at such an aching time in our journey.
Being that we don't have children, I don't think we had any idea the true ache of a parents heart. The true void that is felt without them around. The true heart crushing feeling to not have them with you to kiss and hug. Who knew how natural this would become? Who knew how amazingly peaceful it is to be a parent to two little Ghana smiles given to us by God. We have been blessed!

We're home ...

We made it home. Something isn't right and yet, it's all the same. But we are missing two little bodies, two children ... OUR children! Every time I think of them, I tear up. I can hear Anita's sobs and her small little voice saying "Mommy, I go with you." I sincerely pray for fast processing. Processing that will take less than 30 days. Although taking a warm shower, in our own bathroom is pleasant and taken for granted ... I can't but think "did my kids get enough to eat today?" "Are they crying themselves to sleep?" Have they been able to stop sobbing? Do they know and trust we are coming back? So many things I want their little hearts to understand and soak in.
I cannot wait to share Anita and Maxwell with everyone!! We got to have dinner with our facilitator last night before our flight left. It was awesome to sit and chat and ask questions. His heart is amazing and we all are truly fortunate to have him working on our case. He cares so much about the children and wants each one to have a chance at a better life. His knowledge is comforting!!
As we flew home, my heart just ached. Ached knowing our little ones didn't want to go back. It aches because they have so much fear to what they are returning to. Don't get me wrong, the foster home is not bad, it's just not where the children want to go back, once they have met their own Mommy and Daddy. The children smile when they see their Foster moms and yet, they want to stay with us. It's all such a stretch of emotions.
I hope every family that has considered adoption pursues it ... there are too many out there waiting for their forever family!!

Mommy & Daddy are broken ...

I knew it was coming but I couldn't prepare for the heartache. P called and said he would be there in 30 minutes and I lost it, totally lost it. Sobbing with tears streaming down my face. Luckily Adam and the kids had gone to visit friends down the hall and I started packing their bags. I literally teared up until they left. Anita could tell something was wrong, she just kept staring at me and there was nothing I could do to hide it.
When they came back, we took more family pics and gave them gummy bears, which they loved. But we're pretty sure Anita has a cavity b/c her face quenches up whenever she eats on the sides of her mouth. Adam put Tropical Punch Powder in their water and they thought that was the neatest thing! Huge smiles, so excited. Their water turned blue and they were fascinated.
As we were taking our last family pictures, P walked up. Anita instantly knew what was happening and she clung to me. Wouldn't let me out of her sight. I just teared up over and over and over again. Maxwell wasn't sure what was happening until the end and he just looked at Adam and said "Daddy, I go with you." Anita just kept repeating "Mommy, I go with you. I go with you Mommy." I said "I know you do sweetheart and I want you to go with me too." Since I couldn't say yes, Anita tried another approach and said "Mommy, I want to go to Grandma's in America." I smiled and just lost it at this point. If she only knew how many people want to meet her and want her to be with me on the plane. I couldn't tell her enough that I loved her and I couldn't take her tears away. I wanted to take her tears away. P asked her if she was ready and she just started balling and wanted me to hold her. With tears streaming down my face and her face, Daddy told her to trust him just like she did in the pool and she nodded. It was awful, so awful. Adam and I agreed that this was the hardest part of the whole trip, to see two children, who we love so much, to be so broken and there is nothing we can do. Pray for us, pray for them ... we ask for fast and smooth sailing from this point forward!

Preparing to Leave ...

The children slept well last night, like little logs. They are precious to watch, so peaceful. When they wake up in the morning, they pop up and look around. They ask to go "wee wee" and instantly want a bath. Adam and I skipped our showers in order to get them fed faster but it didn't stop the tears from Maxwell. Waiting is not his forte. But as of this morning, I had to make the choice to tell them this was Mommy and Daddy's last day in Ghana. The instant I said it Anita started crying and clung to me so tightly. Maxwell doesn't completely understand b/c he said "I want to eat." I explained to both that Mommy and Daddy will be back and we are not leaving them forever. We promise to be back and are working very hard to bring them to America. This made them smile. However, Anita is very weepy on and off. Max is just our typical busy body 4 yr. old. After breakfast we went swimming ... how fun to see such smiles on your kids faces! Adam got them to trust him and what a treat to watch!! Anita gained more and more courage and by the end, she was jumping in (with floaties, of course.) Maxwell was insistent sharks or fish were in the water. That made me giggle. We assured him "no" but it took awhile for him to even let Adam hold him. He kept trying to remove his shorts b/c he was going in the water and didn't understand the term "swim shorts." Sometimes you have to laugh at what is so very foreign to them, even in their own country. Watching them use hand dryers for the first time. They are fascinated with faucets. They LOVE to flush the toilet. They love to bathe. Maxwell was insistent to have a belt like Daddy. So many joys to experience and smiles to bring.
Well... gotta run and play with my kiddies before it's time to go. Ugh, time to go ... I don't want my kids to have to go back to where they came from. I'm sad. My heart aches. Please pray for all of us and our hearts to be strong and filled with peace for what is to come and hopefully to come soon!

Tough Day for Mommy, glad to have Daddy ...

Today was I600 day, for all 3 families here. The Majores, the Raanes, and us! I got up early this morning, prepped myself ahead and got ready before the kids got up (mama's learning, right?) Then they had their bath, which they love and we were dressed and ready "to eat." Eggs, oatmeal, toast, hot dog, and beans ... don't ask, it's Ghana but they ate it all and whatever crumbs we had on our plates. Because it was raining most the day, we then came back to the room to hang out until our appointment. Watched a movie, colored, and did what we could to attempt a nap. WELL, let's just say Mommy has learned the importance of nap time. LOL.
By the time lunch came and went, it was time to get dressed for the embassy. We had prepped the kids and they were ecstatic to wear their "socks" and embassy outfits. They were just as excited to see Uncle P. As all 3 families waited and 2:00pm approached (our appt. time) we all became more and more nervous. P called and said he wanted to only take 1 adult, so everything quickly changed and Adam was going to the embassy and I was staying with Anita and Maxwell. We didn't even have time to tell them when P walked in the door, they were ecstatic. He rushed in, said "we gotta go" and out they went. Maxwell and Anita lost it! Completely lost it.
And this is where it gets tough for me, even to write ... like the title says, "tough day for Mommy." I calmed both of them down, consoling and doing what I could. Not making much head way but doing what I could. Maxwell had gone to his friend Manny's room and Manny wanted to share his yogurt. Key word is "share." Not give, nor should Manny have to, but Maxwell doesn't understand sharing yet. As Manny said "you want to bite?" Maxwell folded his arms to flap and say an adamant "no," ran around the corner and started balling. I scooped him up and he started screaming. Literally balling. Then Anita was balling and I had two crying children with nothing to console them with. I tried looking for my room key but Adam had accidentally taken it with him. I had yogurt I could give them but I couldn't get in my room. All the hotel staff were doing what they could to stop them from crying, it just wasn't happening. One of the staff frantically started looking for a spare key and trying every key she could. As I sat their holding tight to my son thrashing and screaming "I want Daddy" and saying words I don't understand ... tears started falling. Streams of them. I lost it. I needed Adam and I was so lost at the moment. Nothing I did would take Maxwell's fear that one, his Daddy was coming back and two, he was going to get food again. Anita stared at me and instantly stopped crying once she saw tears on my face. (Culturally, adults don't generally cry in Ghana and children aren't really "allowed" to...) I was a sobbing mess. They finally got my room unlocked and I ran in with my two little ones. Once I had the yogurt in hand, the uncontrollable sobbing stopped but not for too long. We got down to the table, with spoons and we started eating yogurt but every time a single drop got on Maxwell's shirt, he lost it! Sobbing, so upset that his clothes were getting ruined. More tears would just well up and I would lose it again. Anita came over and hugged me and said "Mommy, don't cry. Maxwell, you make mommy cry!" I told her it was "ok" and "Mommy loves you." She just smiled and Maxwell continued on with smiles and yogurt with food in his hand. Whew! That was a tough one. I had no shoulder to cry on. I had no one I knew around me, I felt so alone and so lost. I can't take Maxwell and Anita's fears away and it breaks me. It breaks me that they simply get one bowl of porridge a day and thus, they are consuming as much as possible. So much so that their little stomachs protrude.
When Daddy got back, Anita says "Daddy, Maxwell made mommy cry!" I smiled and said "who else made mommy cry?" She shyly smiles and points to herself. All day she kept asking "Mommy, you going to cry?" I smiled and said "no." No matter what, we love our son and daughter. It breaks me knowing what they will return to, tomorrow night. Their fears, their taste of America, their hearts breaking not understanding why Mommy and Daddy have to leave. I pray for God to protect their hearts!
I'm so glad to have Adam with me! He instantly talked to them and smoothed out their feelings. He always steps in when I need him, I am so thankful to have him!!!! They respect Adam and they love him. Max literally will not leave his side, everything is "Daddy, you do." Anita giggles when she says "I love you Daddy." It's so cute.
Needless to say, after a few paperwork bumps, we got our I600 filed. Thank you for the prayers b/c we could have easily been asked to return a different day. Adam said we had a very patient woman ... God is awesome like that. YOU are awesome for praying for us! Blessings from Ghana!