Just not Leaving her

I call them breakthroughs. Those moments with tears and that little something getting revealed. And breakthroughs can happen a lot in one week or they can go dormant for months and months. A breakthrough with Anita is tough to come by. She's my zipped up, locked up, not going to tell you little girl. As a mom, it's hard because we know there is a continuous wall being built. I really just wanted to know why Anita wouldn't kiss us good-night or good-bye any more.

She would just turn her head like a princess. More or less, "here's my cheek, you can kiss me there." This was new to our life. She hadn't always done this from day one. As I asked why she was doing this she would just stare at me with the standard deer in head lights followed by the continual "I don't know." But we know she knows, she just won't share because Anita's our closed book. Well, tonight wasn't going to be a quiet stand off. She wasn't going to win this battle tonight. As I looked at her, I said "Anita, you know all those thoughts you have? The ones you won't share with us?" Nods with a yes. "If you don't share those with Mommy and Daddy, we can't help you. And when we can't help you, those thoughts are just going to get worse and it's just going to get harder." She just stared, defeated. "Anita, do you think of Mommy and Daddy as YOUR Mommy and Daddy?" She shrugged ... almost as if to complacently say "um, maybe, not really." It broke me. But as I sat there and she had tears welling up and slowly starting to fall, I realized there was more to this little situation. I looked at her and softly said "Anita, I know there was a Mommy in Ghana who left you. Tears are streaming now. There was a Grandma who gave you up so you could have a better life." Her tears are dripping off her cheeks. It was evident what was happening. "Sweetheart, Mommy's not going to leave you. I'm not walking out on you. You think I am, don't you?" A serious face w/ a slow nod yes confirms the fear and sadness I can see. "Do you think Grandma, Auntie, and Nana are going to let you go like Grandma V did?" A quick nod yes confirms it again. And you could see it all in her little face. She's completely terrified everything she has had for the last year and four months could be taken from her. She doesn't want to hang on too tight and yet, she's scared to death it will vanish in a second. How do I tell my baby girl, "Mommy's NOT letting you go!! It's not happening. And God forbid it, should something happen, you have an Auntie, a Grandma, a Nana, cousins who would all be there to pick up the pieces. Your life is now surrounded by people that adore and cherish and love you so so deeply!" But, how do you tell a little girl she's not going to experience what has already happened, again? It happened once right? They left me and they let me go. I cried and they still did it. I was terrified and sad but they still did it. How do I tell my beautiful little one ... I'm JUST NOT LEAVING YOU!

Thing a ma Jigger

They just keep growing. Their minds and their bodies. It's not stopping anytime soon. Adam and I wonder when we're not going to go through sizes by the month and we can stop thinking "this might, just might" last us longer than 4 weeks.

I knew their growth would change rapidly once healthy nutrition hit, but I sometimes want it to slow down. I want them to slow down, but I know many parents want this. Right? With Maxwell being in Kinder this year and Anita in first, they are both excelling and learning so quickly. Their accents have faded and their vocabulary's are expanding. They did come with imaginations! HUGE imaginations and there is no stopping that. Today, as I was folding laundry, Maxwell says "Mommy, Mommy!" "yes?" "Mommy, can we play with our ice cream THING A MA JIGGER?" I lost it. I started giggling. Who says that? Especially a little one, from Africa, who barely spoke English 13 months ago! All I could think was ... Grandma! Oh the things they learn from Grandma! My mom is amazing. For those who know her, they know this. For those who don't, well, you quickly learn. But Grandma has her own special moments with the kids about four or five days out of the week. She is a lifeline. I say this more so because I LOVED my grandparents dearly! I consider them a lifeline to my life. I had amazing grandparents when I was young and I vowed I wanted my kids to have the same! So, their afternoons with Grandma and Poppie are just those moments I have prayed and hoped for. You see, they get to spend many of afternoons, after school, with Grandma and Poppie. And although these times can be tiring and overwhelming for my mom and dad, I'm not sure they realize the lasting impact they are having on my littles. Maxwell and Anita LOVE Grandma and Poppie. As I walk in the door from work, they don't say hi, they rarely run and hug but they say "Um Mommy ... Um Mommy, are we staying and eating here? Can we?" Some days I laugh and say, "well, that's for Grandma to decide." Other days, it's already written on my moms face and it's time to go home, no matter how much they want to stay. I get it and with all respect, I honor that look immensely! So, as my little ones walk around saying things I know they have ONLY learned from Grandma ... I laugh, because I know how much they love her and she loves them. I know Grandma's words will never be replaced. Her love will never feel the same from someone else. And her presence

is just that, "hers." Just like my Grandma and Grandpa will forever hold a special special place in my heart, Maxwell and Anita are blessed with a Grandma and Poppie who they adore! (A Grandma and Poppie who are teaching a vocabulary that will last a lifetime.)

As the summer has passed (ugh ... cannot believe the time has flown by) my heart sinks knowing how fast the time goes now. Capturing moments is crazy in of itself. Remembering them makes me smile!! This week at dinner Maxwell said he wanted to be white like Mommy & Daddy. We flipped it and said we wanted to be "brown" like him but couldn't because God made us the way we are. As he thought for a second, his face lit up! He smiled big and said "Well, I think you should ask Santa so you can be like me!" I love how his mind works. I love the childlike mind. It makes me smile!
Adam and I often look at our lives and think "how did we get so lucky?" How did God know we were supposed to have Anita and Maxwell? God is just awesome like that. But there are simply just those mornings (although fast and lots of "hurry ups") we stare at those cute faces and say "thank you God!" Thank you for giving us our family. Thank you for giving me the heart for adoption.
As Maxwell's week has progressed, we've been working hard on being "still." This is beyond difficult for my little man, he just can't. As one part of his body remains still, another limb or finger or toe or leg starts moving ... no matter what. As we talked about "listening" tonight and set up a reward system, the listening without moving was difficult. After time outs and tears, I finally stepped beyond my comfort zone and just scooped him up. I scooped him like a baby, held him like a baby. I held him so close and so tight, so he couldn't move. He didn't need to move. He just needed to know he was safe. And his body didn't even try to move. It was a peaceful moment. We talked. We understood our reward system. I asked him if he wanted mommy to put him to bed or hold him. In his quiet still voice he softly said "Hold me." He closed his eyes and fell asleep. Secure as a baby in his mommy's arms. Sometimes understanding my little boy is tough and sometimes it's the realization I have to go back, WAY back to what he never got. He never got to be coddled and held so tight. He didn't get to know everything was going to be alright and those around him were going to protect him.

Just STOP!

He moves ... A LOT! And never seems to stop. If you're in the Turner house in the morning, you know when Maxwell is awake. His voice is heard loud and clear and it doesn't stop. LOL. We can often laugh about it but there are moments when we do want the madness to stop ... The flips, the rolling on the ground, the somer saults, the jumping, the endless questions for things he already has answers to, the constant checking on "what we are doing," more flips, more cartwheels, more rolls on the ground. "MAXWELL JUST STOP!" Our little man copes by moving. He is the busy mover. The outsider looking in would think he's a poster child for ADHD but we have our reservations on placing tag names. We do know he's coping and he copes by staying rapidly busy and moving at all times, literally. I can't imagine what goes through his head and the thoughts he has to want to stay so busy that he doesn't even want to think about what is really there. With what timeline we can put in place, we know Maxwell was around 2 or 3 when he was taken from his "home" and put into foster care. Thus, the memories he has are probably not easily conveyed with words but are just pictures in his head. He's trying to talk about it ... it all comes out in fragments. The more we can get Max to talk without Anita around is huge! I say this b/c Anita is his coach. If he is unsure how to answer something or doesn't know the answer, he will look at her for how to respond. So, when we do get his thoughts coming out in words, it's always interesting to catch our candid Maxwell with his own words and own thoughts ... it is a priceless moment. We know he's starting to have memories and remember things, simply by the questions he has or the random sayings he'll share. Some are good and some cause us to really ponder and wonder on much deeper levels. He's little but a very strong man in many ways. He'll steal your heart b/c he is so sweet! He comes across as such a big tough guy but at any moment in the day you can ask "Maxwell, can I have a hug or kiss?" He will stop whatever he's doing and run over and it's the best feeling ever. We are heading in the right direction ... we know time, love, prayer and therapy will heal his little head of troubling thoughts. I pray he'll one day be able to "JUST STOP" and talk with us on what keeps him wanting to be just so busy! We love you little Maxwell ... you are a smile to every face you touch b/c your smile is just so contagious!

Small Triggers

The adjustments seemed to start revealing themselves right after Anita's 7th Birthday. We can't pin point the exact date or what "triggered" it but they just started to "appear" more frequently. As we tried to rack our brains on what was happening and why, we couldn't put our finger on it. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary ... and then I guess it all can be so small, those triggers can be just so sneaky and small.
Soon after Anita's birthday, her closest friend in her class moved to Arizona. Losing Darla was devastating to us and we had no idea the effect it would have on Anita. She played it off pretty well. Never seemed to mind too much but then again, haven't people and friends constantly come and gone in her life. Ugh! As the days passed, slowly a withdrawn, spacey, wondering deer in head lights little girl started appearing. She would literally check out and be in her very own world. She's happy in this state. She never seems upset but she's just not "with us" either. Her attention is not here and has been devoted to somewhere and something else. I'll joke with one of my closest girlfriends (practically a sister) and say "she goes to that world you like to go to!" My friend smiles and says "that world is WAY MORE FUN!" I just sigh and smirk. My heart doesn't want her to feel like she has to cope. Because this is what she is doing, coping. She's safe here! I want to shout it. She's safe ... "YOU are safe, how does Mommy show you are safe!?" She's safe with her Mommy and Daddy! We aren't going to leave her! We're not! But how does a surviving, smart, intelligent, little girl know she's safe and this family, she has grown to love, will not leave her? My heart breaks and in the same moment I'm angry b/c she wants to check out. I want her to talk to me and reveal what she's thinking and yet she searches for the perfect words she thinks I want to hear. "Oh my daughter, I want you to reveal you, not what they told you I wanted ... but you, the good, the angry, the sad, the happy ... the Anita who's hiding!"

As I recalled back at this "trigger" in our journey and while I frantically re-read my books on hand ... I was enlightened to read about memory triggers in our lives. These triggers can be subconscious and perhaps they cannot even be conveyed with words but they are triggers enough to cause us to "feel" different and be snapped back into ill feelings. And as I read this my eyes stopped and I read it again. We accepted Anita and Maxwell's referral in the spring of '09. Could her body be reacting subconsciously to the trauma she experienced when she was taken from her Grandma Victoria and placed in the Foster Home? Could this be her trigger? She has yet to speak about it. Won't say a bad thing about her transition. Yes, it was sad but she was fine. And at this, my heart breaks for my little girl who is so strong and trying so hard to show she's a survivor. She's coping and cannot even recognize its happening. In time my sweet girl, we'll help you in time. I can't imagine being 4 yrs old and simply taken from what I know and put in a foster home so unfamiliar, so unprotected, so chaotic, and so unloving. I'm sure I would check out and go to my happy world too...

Not always pretty

As the past couple months have passed, life in the Turner house has become slightly different. I haven't tried to be absent from my blogging but my "time" is scarce. My absent state from blogging has more reasons attached than I necessarily want to blast to the world about but I have started to ponder and realize ... blogging can be therapeutic; it can bring reflection; it can be our diary; it can be our log of events. Events which come and go quickly and are hard to track without simply writing them down. The past 9 months have felt long and yet, I look back and see how much my littles have grown! They have changed physically and mentally. There are many of times I tell A & M ... "Mommy doesn't want you to grow anymore, no more!" They giggle and say "Noooo Mommy, we want to be big like you!" And although this is all said in love and giggles there is a small part of my heart breaking because I've only had 9 months, 9 FAST months to soak in all they are and all they are becoming.

As mentioned before, my absence from blogging has involved a little more than being busy. I'll try and be honest and forthright without offending anyone. The more I start writing, please do realize this is coming from our house and we, as Turner's, are all learning together. Our adoption journey is just that "ours." I cannot say every moment is pretty and I'm quickly reminded and encouraged by many that "parenthood is not always pretty." But as the saying goes "I wouldn't change it for the world!"
Anita and Maxwell have started to experience more and more adjustment issues. Perhaps they are just more apparent or coming to light but we are trying to be in full awareness now. Whereas we might have not been so in tune in the past. As I continue to converse with my fabulous adoptive mom friends, we're able to support and encourage one another through our questions, observations, joys and struggles. Through this, I am learning a lot. And while I learn ... I'll share what I can as our Turner journey continues.

Fell in ...

I wish I could have laughed about it in the moment. But no, not me, I was infuriated. He fell in ... seriously, fell in the water! He wasn't listening. That's all that ran through my brain ... HE DIDN'T LISTEN (again.) My mom had to remind me, "Anna, at least he's ok and didn't fall in the pool. And Paul was there. And he only fell in the jacuzzi." BUT all I could do was be mad and think, Maxwell, you didn't listen to the directions we gave you. Because I know my little man is so smart and can almost recite verbatim what you say ... I think it makes the "not listening" so much harder. He told me exactly how many times Paul told him to not walk on the tile. He told me how many times I told him to stay away from the water and just watch. Either way ... he fell in. How does the saying go? "Curiosity kills the cat." There is a waterfall wall which separates my parents pool from the jacuzzi. Their pool guy, Paul, was cleaning today and Maxwell wanted to "watch." The directions were very clear "Maxwell, do not touch, do not help, you can only watch Paul. Stay AWAY from the water." "Ok mom." Well, apparently that little "bridge" was all too tempting to try and feat. I remember being a kid and walking back and forth on those tiles but I knew how to swim. I remember my mom and dad saying not to "walkin on the tile," simple because they feared us falling in the water. But the excitement to conquer the little bridge without falling in was so much more exciting. I think this excitement it what will get my little man into trouble so many of times. As he walked acorse this little bridge twice .. he didn't make it the second time. He fell in the jacuzzi. Luckily it was just the jacuzzi! Had it been the pool, I might have cried. Maybe I was so mad and frustrated because it really was fear ... fear that something so much worse could have happened. And I couldn't help but be mad at myself. I trusted Maxwell, but maybe I shouldn't have put so much trust in a 4 year old. In the end, I am thankful ... thankful for Paul, who was there to drag him out soaking wet. Thankful I get to kiss my little man good-night because he "fell in."