The Simplicity

As I spoke with a co-worker the other day about our trip to Ghana she asked if I was ready for the kids to be here? Without hesitation, I said "yes!" And then I caught myself. 4 weeks ago I wouldn't have said yes. 4 weeks ago, I could have given you a mile long list of why I wasn't ready and how I had "so much to do." As I thought it through I realized how SIMPLE Anita and Maxwell's lives are. Unfortunately, we, their parents, make it more complicated. We traveled to Ghana with two suitcases and a carry on. The suitcases and the carry on held all 4 of our things. Toys included. We had five outfits for each of them. And five may have been too much. It's probably safe to assume A&M wear the same outfits over and over at the foster home. The choice of outfits are not there. Heck, "choices" aren't there, period. As they were given their gift bags from an Auntie and Foster Brother and Sister ... these simple bags filled with simple items seemed to be more than enough. A sticker book, bowl, cup, toy, and sunglasses. That simple. Adam and I gave them each a watch and one extra toy. This was already overload after two days. There was no need to open the carry on and give them more. They had their sunglasses (spades,) their bag, their toys in their bags, and they were set. Daddy and Maxwell had their suitcase and Mommy and Anita had their suitcase. Nothing more was needed. We had soap. We had shampoo. We each had a toothbrush. We could brush our hair and wash our face and we could comfortably crawl into bed at night.
I realized how much stressing I've done simply worried that our American home and life is not ready for them. But in reality, our American lives are MORE than ready. Probably too ready. Their lives are so simple. And as much as they embrace the complicated and the idea of things being "theirs" or "mine" as they say, all this new stuff wreaks havoc and causes stress b/c they now have choices, things to take care of, things to protect, ... things that are "mine." Have we ever thought how stressful choices are, LOL. I smile because they smile. I smile because this new mama has realized how to sit back and know her children really want to be with their forever mommy and daddy. The "stuff" and all the "readiness" is an added bonus. They have no idea what a car seat or booster seat are. Anita sat on my lap in a taxi. Medication, vitamins, sippy cups, children silverware, children plates, lunch boxes, suitcases, outfits ... all added bonuses. Being with two people they can call their "mommy" and "daddy" and who they can look to and know we are there to protect and take care of them. That's the simplicity of it all, a vulnerable child having parents they can identify as their own. We are ready little ones ... the complicated will follow.

Emotions....

The emotions come and go and then SOMETIMES, they flood. My eyes well up and I can't but just stare at Anita and Maxwell's smiles. I can't but help miss kissing them and hugging them. I miss them so much. It can't be said any differently. There's just something missing and that something is the vibrant life of our children surrounding us close and near!

A little Note ...

We woke up this morning, tired from the dogs waking us up numerous times throughout the night. As we brushed our teeth, fixed our hair, and simply "got ready" for the day, Adam says "Just think, our days of sleeping in and waiting till last minute to get ready will soon be over when the kids get here." As much as this statement should scare me or one would be inclined to think "shoot, my comfortable life is over." We, in turn, smiled! Smiled because we look forward to Anita and Maxwell's presence in the house. I want to fix them breakfast, rush around to get them ready, debate on what outfit is going to work for the day ... we sincerely look forward to having them with us. Sure, we may not get to sleep in as much but we get to smile at two little faces from Ghana, DAY IN and DAY OUT!
A note to my kids:
"Anita and Maxwell, Mommy misses you so very much! I cannot explain the void in my heart since I left you in Ghana on June 22. So very often a tear falls without warning. Luckily I'm comforted in knowing our God has each of you in His hands. And we are all lucky to have your Daddy who is of constant support and love to each of us.
Anita, I miss your giggles, your silly little looks, watching you dance and comb your hair in front of the mirror. I miss hearing you sing to yourself as you twirl around and are simply content being in the same vicinity as Mommy and Daddy. I miss tucking you in to bed and watching you sleep so peacefully. Mommy misses her gorgeous little Anita.
Maxwell, Mommy misses your cute little pouts, your arm flaps as you say "no," your fascination with flushing the toilet and washing your hands in the sink. I miss your hugs, I miss watching you eat, and I miss seeing you smile as you have fun running around because you are genuinely just "that" happy. Mommy misses her handsome little man.
We are so excited to bring you home. Please know there are A LOT of people waiting to meet you and love you beyond what you could imagine. We continue to ask God to bless us and you as our journey as a family continues! I love you little ones! Love, Mommy."

Who Knew?!?!

Who knew the complete heart ache Adam and I would feel arriving home. Who knew the natural instinct to wake up and look for my children, get them ready, and to feed them breakfast. Who knew how quickly the tears would well up and fall just thinking of our beautiful Anita and handsome Maxwell! I can't express the aching. I can't express the sincere feeling of loss. There is void now, a void that cannot be expressed with words. I sit silently staring at their pictures, seeing their happy little smiles and yet, remembering so vividly their scared little faces as they drove away. Part of Adam and I just wants to get back on a plane and go back. The pain is so great, so deep, and there is not much to take it away. We have amazing friends and family, checking in on us, knowing full well how much hurt we are carrying. They can see it in our faces, they can see it as we talk about our children, they can see our tears fall.
Adam calls to check on me often. I simply just plug away at work, doing what I can to be distracted. It's only been 2 days. Ugh! He'll call and ask "How's my beautiful wife doing today?" I smile, knowing how much he loves me and how much he's hurting himself. He hugged me this morning as he asked if I was ok? He loooked at me in the face and said "I miss them too. We have pretty amazing children!" I'm blessed to have such a loving husband, such a loving father to our children, such a loving support at such an aching time in our journey.
Being that we don't have children, I don't think we had any idea the true ache of a parents heart. The true void that is felt without them around. The true heart crushing feeling to not have them with you to kiss and hug. Who knew how natural this would become? Who knew how amazingly peaceful it is to be a parent to two little Ghana smiles given to us by God. We have been blessed!

We're home ...

We made it home. Something isn't right and yet, it's all the same. But we are missing two little bodies, two children ... OUR children! Every time I think of them, I tear up. I can hear Anita's sobs and her small little voice saying "Mommy, I go with you." I sincerely pray for fast processing. Processing that will take less than 30 days. Although taking a warm shower, in our own bathroom is pleasant and taken for granted ... I can't but think "did my kids get enough to eat today?" "Are they crying themselves to sleep?" Have they been able to stop sobbing? Do they know and trust we are coming back? So many things I want their little hearts to understand and soak in.
I cannot wait to share Anita and Maxwell with everyone!! We got to have dinner with our facilitator last night before our flight left. It was awesome to sit and chat and ask questions. His heart is amazing and we all are truly fortunate to have him working on our case. He cares so much about the children and wants each one to have a chance at a better life. His knowledge is comforting!!
As we flew home, my heart just ached. Ached knowing our little ones didn't want to go back. It aches because they have so much fear to what they are returning to. Don't get me wrong, the foster home is not bad, it's just not where the children want to go back, once they have met their own Mommy and Daddy. The children smile when they see their Foster moms and yet, they want to stay with us. It's all such a stretch of emotions.
I hope every family that has considered adoption pursues it ... there are too many out there waiting for their forever family!!

Mommy & Daddy are broken ...

I knew it was coming but I couldn't prepare for the heartache. P called and said he would be there in 30 minutes and I lost it, totally lost it. Sobbing with tears streaming down my face. Luckily Adam and the kids had gone to visit friends down the hall and I started packing their bags. I literally teared up until they left. Anita could tell something was wrong, she just kept staring at me and there was nothing I could do to hide it.
When they came back, we took more family pics and gave them gummy bears, which they loved. But we're pretty sure Anita has a cavity b/c her face quenches up whenever she eats on the sides of her mouth. Adam put Tropical Punch Powder in their water and they thought that was the neatest thing! Huge smiles, so excited. Their water turned blue and they were fascinated.
As we were taking our last family pictures, P walked up. Anita instantly knew what was happening and she clung to me. Wouldn't let me out of her sight. I just teared up over and over and over again. Maxwell wasn't sure what was happening until the end and he just looked at Adam and said "Daddy, I go with you." Anita just kept repeating "Mommy, I go with you. I go with you Mommy." I said "I know you do sweetheart and I want you to go with me too." Since I couldn't say yes, Anita tried another approach and said "Mommy, I want to go to Grandma's in America." I smiled and just lost it at this point. If she only knew how many people want to meet her and want her to be with me on the plane. I couldn't tell her enough that I loved her and I couldn't take her tears away. I wanted to take her tears away. P asked her if she was ready and she just started balling and wanted me to hold her. With tears streaming down my face and her face, Daddy told her to trust him just like she did in the pool and she nodded. It was awful, so awful. Adam and I agreed that this was the hardest part of the whole trip, to see two children, who we love so much, to be so broken and there is nothing we can do. Pray for us, pray for them ... we ask for fast and smooth sailing from this point forward!

Preparing to Leave ...

The children slept well last night, like little logs. They are precious to watch, so peaceful. When they wake up in the morning, they pop up and look around. They ask to go "wee wee" and instantly want a bath. Adam and I skipped our showers in order to get them fed faster but it didn't stop the tears from Maxwell. Waiting is not his forte. But as of this morning, I had to make the choice to tell them this was Mommy and Daddy's last day in Ghana. The instant I said it Anita started crying and clung to me so tightly. Maxwell doesn't completely understand b/c he said "I want to eat." I explained to both that Mommy and Daddy will be back and we are not leaving them forever. We promise to be back and are working very hard to bring them to America. This made them smile. However, Anita is very weepy on and off. Max is just our typical busy body 4 yr. old. After breakfast we went swimming ... how fun to see such smiles on your kids faces! Adam got them to trust him and what a treat to watch!! Anita gained more and more courage and by the end, she was jumping in (with floaties, of course.) Maxwell was insistent sharks or fish were in the water. That made me giggle. We assured him "no" but it took awhile for him to even let Adam hold him. He kept trying to remove his shorts b/c he was going in the water and didn't understand the term "swim shorts." Sometimes you have to laugh at what is so very foreign to them, even in their own country. Watching them use hand dryers for the first time. They are fascinated with faucets. They LOVE to flush the toilet. They love to bathe. Maxwell was insistent to have a belt like Daddy. So many joys to experience and smiles to bring.
Well... gotta run and play with my kiddies before it's time to go. Ugh, time to go ... I don't want my kids to have to go back to where they came from. I'm sad. My heart aches. Please pray for all of us and our hearts to be strong and filled with peace for what is to come and hopefully to come soon!