Just not Leaving her

I call them breakthroughs. Those moments with tears and that little something getting revealed. And breakthroughs can happen a lot in one week or they can go dormant for months and months. A breakthrough with Anita is tough to come by. She's my zipped up, locked up, not going to tell you little girl. As a mom, it's hard because we know there is a continuous wall being built. I really just wanted to know why Anita wouldn't kiss us good-night or good-bye any more.

She would just turn her head like a princess. More or less, "here's my cheek, you can kiss me there." This was new to our life. She hadn't always done this from day one. As I asked why she was doing this she would just stare at me with the standard deer in head lights followed by the continual "I don't know." But we know she knows, she just won't share because Anita's our closed book. Well, tonight wasn't going to be a quiet stand off. She wasn't going to win this battle tonight. As I looked at her, I said "Anita, you know all those thoughts you have? The ones you won't share with us?" Nods with a yes. "If you don't share those with Mommy and Daddy, we can't help you. And when we can't help you, those thoughts are just going to get worse and it's just going to get harder." She just stared, defeated. "Anita, do you think of Mommy and Daddy as YOUR Mommy and Daddy?" She shrugged ... almost as if to complacently say "um, maybe, not really." It broke me. But as I sat there and she had tears welling up and slowly starting to fall, I realized there was more to this little situation. I looked at her and softly said "Anita, I know there was a Mommy in Ghana who left you. Tears are streaming now. There was a Grandma who gave you up so you could have a better life." Her tears are dripping off her cheeks. It was evident what was happening. "Sweetheart, Mommy's not going to leave you. I'm not walking out on you. You think I am, don't you?" A serious face w/ a slow nod yes confirms the fear and sadness I can see. "Do you think Grandma, Auntie, and Nana are going to let you go like Grandma V did?" A quick nod yes confirms it again. And you could see it all in her little face. She's completely terrified everything she has had for the last year and four months could be taken from her. She doesn't want to hang on too tight and yet, she's scared to death it will vanish in a second. How do I tell my baby girl, "Mommy's NOT letting you go!! It's not happening. And God forbid it, should something happen, you have an Auntie, a Grandma, a Nana, cousins who would all be there to pick up the pieces. Your life is now surrounded by people that adore and cherish and love you so so deeply!" But, how do you tell a little girl she's not going to experience what has already happened, again? It happened once right? They left me and they let me go. I cried and they still did it. I was terrified and sad but they still did it. How do I tell my beautiful little one ... I'm JUST NOT LEAVING YOU!